BACTION: RATS: A Night of Terror

RATS: A NIGHT OF TERROR
1983 / 93min / Italy

"If it weren't for a flamethrower, I probably wouldn't of reviewed it."
-Me

The Plot & Lowdown:
The surface of earth has been unlivable since "the insensitivity of man finally triumphs". The year is 225 A.B. (after the bomb) and humans have lived underground ever since but a small fraction have the desire to live on the surface of earth and so our story centers around a traveling biker gang and their "night of terror" staying in an abandoned town. The Gang which features the stupidest humans on earth--with the coolest names, i.e. Lucifer, Torres, Video & Chocolate (the black girl), find a haven of food and fun in the town only to be outsmarted, terrorized and killed by mutated rats.

I'm going to have to stop there, because that is the idealized version of the plot. The reality is: the Bikers constantly talk of intelligent rats, which is never actually shown. This can be frustrated at times, entertaining at other. This is probably one of those "3B movies", a term given by a bad movie website, meaning after 3 Beers it's the greatest thing ever. I can see how this could be a great find for a group of friends killing time, because Rats is a terrible movie with awesome-bad dialogue & dubbing. The people in this movie are so stupid, it has to entertain. There's a point where a biker monologues about a "pack of rats" attacking his mother's "cave" and I could've wet myself. There could also be some essays on the film talking about Rats being film symbolizing a "world of fear." Because you never see the rats to anything other than crawl on things. In fact, the Biker gang is so terrified of rats, they don't even try to fend rats off, or run away--even though the leader carries a fucking Flamethrower!!! They come to the intelligent rat conclusion so fast, they don't even question it, just freak out (in terror). If you're looking for a typical bad action film this will disappoint. There is very little, if any action. In truth this review wouldn't be here except I took notes as I was watching it at work and I'm relaying it to you. There is very little here. At times, near the end, the movie drags, as I find there is a thin line between frustrating & funny. There is a twist at the end, that amazes and almost makes everything worth watching. Director Bruno Mattei is known for making terrible, terrible movies (like Troll 2) and this is no, no, no different.

Things to Watch For:
0:04 - Hey, that's Chuck Norris!
0:09 - Way to waste that precious flour and offend the hell out of me.
0:17 - This girl should change careers, acting-no, prostitution-maybe.
0:21 - Flamethrower Alert!
0:24 - She copulating, much better at it than acting.
0:25 - Chuck Norris Fact: Only he can open zippers.
0:26 - Gratuidous PENIS Nudity Alert! Ruins anything else....
0:28 - Gratuidous Full Frontal Female Nudity Alert--
0:28 - Ahhh!!! Gratuidous PENIS Alert #2!!
0:35 - Where's Chuck Norris, Zipper Opener???
0:37 - Gratuidous Nudity Alert: Dead Breasts. Jesus folks, get it right.
0:38 - Flamethrower Alert!! P.S. That's not a stuntman....
0:42 - Flamethrower Alert!!!
0:48 - Hilarious Dialouge in 3... 2... 1...
0:55 - "I'm going to warm their wiskers."
0:58 - Is that a rotating wheel of fake rats? What is that?
1:11 - Chuck Norris Fact: If filled with rats, he will explode.
1:13 - Explosion Alert!
1:29 - I don't think rats would cause a door to crumble...
1:35 - AHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! Oh, amazing.

NOTES:

• Not a Baction Film.
• Bruno Mattei also directed a movie called Shattered Dark or Terminator 2, which is supposedly a scene for scene rip off of Aliens. I'm in the works of obtaining a copy.