BACTION REVIEW #2

Ator - The Fighting Eagle
1983 / color / 98 min. / Italy

"A man's fate is only revealed to him
when he's halway through his life.
If it were revealed sooner it would
only seem but an illusion."
-Ator

I was at Ameoba records this weekend, browsing the closeout DVDs when I came across Ator: The Fighting Eagle staring Miles "is that the dude from Cavedwellers?" O'keefe. At $1.95 I figured it was worth the investment. I am a sucker for swords and socercy shlock so, what the heck?

The PLOT:
The land is ruled by the High Priest of the Spiders named Dakkar but legend has it that there will be a child bearing a mark and that boy will be named Ator. Other signs will point to his arrival like the earth "will quiver like a virgin on her wedding night", blood will run from a statue, ect. Well, all that stuff happens. The child is born, and easily hid by an outcast, Bardak, in a small town. The family that houses Ator agrees to keep his identity safe. Years pass and Ator grows into a strapping lad completely oblivous to his fate. Instead he is in love. When Ator awkardly asks his father if it's okay to marry his sister the village celebrates! Incase you forgot, Ator's adopted!! If only he'd of known that before... So they get married. During the ceremony the Dakkar and his spider henchmen attack the village killing everyone--except Ator, Ator's pet bear and his wife who Dakkar steals for the hell of it. When debating whether to go after his wife or not, Ator meets Bardak, who proceeds to tell him his fate and, well, that he sucks as a warrior. They train for a bit until--a woman screams. Ator puts his new skills to work as saves the sassy lady who is very ungreatful. She rides off. Ator returns to his cave(?) only to find Barak gone--but a spiffy new He-man costume which means he may proceed to fulfill his destiny and save his wife. A warrior anew, Ator and his bear set off only to immediatly be captured by a group of women who haul him back to their village. Upon arrival, we find out the village is filled with only women, so a tournement is held to find out which woman gets to screw him, get impregnated and produce the new queen. So... he's forced to have sex with who?? The sassy lady he saved from before! She's named Moon. They go to consimate, but of course Ator doesn't want to--he's got a wife already (a virgin to boot). Moon complacently says, I'll go with you on your journey because I like gold and there's gold at the spider kingdom. They proceed to go through various mediocre lands like "The Forest of the Undead" and "The Caverns of the Blind Warriors" not actually encountering any problems before defeating Dakkar, who seemed pretty content petting a tarantula for 90 mintues before exploding. Moon ends up dying while trying to steal gold but what the heck does Ator care? He's got a virgin wife to run through a field with. The end!

The Lowdown:
If you are dying to see a movie with lots sword fighting, magic and logic: stay away! That being said, this movie is extreamly unintentionally funny. I want to view it with a group, from the casually asking of your sister to marry you to having a pet bear painted like a skunk--you'll be giggling pretty hard. I thought it couldn't get better than about 20 minutes into the film, but the finale is quite amazing.

Things to watch for:
0:11 - Baby powder: great for permanently erasing birthmarks.
0:15 - You know you're grown up when you sport 80's rock hair.
0:16 - I would have sworn talk of insest could only end badly.
0:37 - After all your training, you can't shoot a dear
0:37 - AND you get caught with a dinky net thrown at you??
0:39 - If you going to die, it better be by Snu-Snu.
0:44 - Gratuidous Nudity Alert: Bathing in the River!
0:49 - "Never touch that drape" - Oh, and drink this poison.
0:57 - Someone's going to touch the drape! Holy shit I did not expect that!
1:06 - The evil army consists of excactly 10 soldiers.
1:21 - Did he just explode?!?!?!
1:22 - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
1:25 - Giant furry robotic spider; we meet at last.
1:29 - Random Explosions!
1:30 - Freezze Frame Ending Alert!

NOTES:

• The title "The Fighting Eagle" is never addressed at all.
• Cavedweller's is actually the renamed title for the SEQUEAL to this film!!!!!!