Bottoming Out

This year of adventure has been really fun. It's been really unpredictable. It's been really hazardous.

I've been trying to figure out my life--more specifically--my life without a job. I have been jobless for over 8 months now. That's a long, long time. I'm starting to freak the fuck out. Long story short: I finished a film at the end of January and then I was going to take some time off and then this director we love working with was going to be filming another movie in the fall. Time passed, adventures ensued. Fast forward to August, I meet with my crew and it's even better news, our director has two movies back to back, we're going to work on both, get promotions, work for a year and a half and I'd be getting paid dangerously close to six figures a year. That's a freakin' case for celebration. I needed to get back to work, my crazy hollywood lifestyle is starting to take it's toll. And now I can go out with a bang.

Well, all fell through. The movie got pulled a few weeks before production and my editing crew found another movie and they can't afford to bring me on. My how quickly one can fall. My life is kind of turned around. I've had another job fall through and my confidence is almost non-existent. And I'm broke. I'm lost.

That happened Labor Day weekend. I have had only one signifigant interview since then (I didn't not get it). I've been depressed. I've never felt more alone. I don't know who to turn to advice. Professional or otherwise. I don't have any close friends to confide in. I want a girlfriend.

Yesterday, I went out with Annie, who basically has disappeared off the face of the earth for a year and she wanted me to go running with her. Me? A running instructor? I donno. It was great though to complain to someone and then have them complain and then get the idea that everyone is in the same place. Life is a bitch. I should be impressed that I have been able to function on my savings. I should be impressed that I still have some and can probably last until christmas. But really what have I don't with my 8 months? I feel betrayed because 6 of those months were waiting for a job that didn't happen. I turned down jobs. I could worked on the sarah silverman program for gods sake. Now I'm just dying to work. I love what I do. I just want to have money to buy furniture, to get a bed. To buy a bookcase and unpack my boxes in the corner of my room. I want to feed needed. Ultimately, I'm frightened that I don't have anyone to fall back on. I don't have parents to support me if I fall on hard times. My aunt and uncle are family but it's not the same. I can't fail and I'm starting slip.

Worst of all is I lost my confidence. My old optimistic self has cracked and I am bi-polar like no other. I'm either super happy or depressed and a lot of times that happens multiple time in a day, with or without alcohol. It's a crazy peak and valley thing and I'm trying so hard to even it out. But, you know, I'm still here. I've decided to take baby steps. It feels so degrading to apply for a job that I got the minute I graduated college 3 1/2 years ago. The same job. It feels like taking 5 steps backwards. But, you know what? I've got friends working the same jobs and have been for the same time. I got lucky. I'm not starting over, I'm continuing to take it all in. It's okay to fail. I feel sometimes like I'm going to turn fucking 30 in january. I'm young. I'm not failing. Some things take time. But the bottom line is: I got to start making some goddamn money. I really do. I want a pay check. I don't care how much I just want something so I can stop worrying about money and concentrate on the things I love doing.

In other news, No Fun Zone might be playing the Classy but Tacky party next saturday. We'll have to see. Ruggs wants us to play our song "Hipster vs. Grampa?" but what she doesn't realize is that we haven't written it yet. This opportunity might give us a chance to get off our ass and actually play some songs and get them in a presentable form as opposed to us getting drunk and watching National Lampoon's Dorm Daze 2 at four in the afternoon. Apparently bad tv is our only song writing inspiration.

Also, I'm trying a few new things. I've been practicing the previous weeks but I've set some parameters regarding my budget. A few weeks ago I went on an alcohol strike. I basically quit drinking until I got a job. The main factor is, I get more accomplished when I stop drinking. I'm more production and right now, it's too tempting to start drinking at daylight when you're unemployed. Then I encountered a gray area in the alcohol strike. I got a job. Or rather, a gig. And then another gig. I worked two days on a movie. So... it was earning income, but not accomplishing what I set out to do. The easy compromise would be to be like "a gig = one drink". But then what about football? I got peer pressured my maileen on monday.... anyways the new parameters are: I am not paying for alcohol until I get a steady job. Starting today. Yup. I can mooch all I want but I can't buy. That's the first experiment.

The second is to see how long I can go without buying food. (I can afford to buy food, but I'm seeing how long this can go.) What do I have in the kitchen? Nada Mucho. I have a large bag of rice. Like a five pound bag. I've got come cans of stuff. Maybe like two soups, some corn, black beans, tomatoes, peas, olives. I've got one boca patty left. And then I've got the wildcard which is my cubbord. God knows what's in there. Everything I never ended up eating like whole wheat pasta, maybe like a rice a roni, some homemade pad thai, I donno. That's going to be explored sometime next week. I'm going to see how long this can get me. I also have a few bottles of mead and my super dangerous for special occasion only bottle of absinthe.

So that's the current experiments. Tomorrow I'm helping Mel out on her movie shoot, which not paid, but there's craft services and meals. Might be my last quality meal for weeks to come. *Today I've had three bowls of rice flavored with soy sauce and tabasco...